Crunch Berry Bloom
by Warpnik
Summary: NOTE: Also includes elements from Captain Crunch, Sonic, and Family Ties.    A young filly, a captain, and a drunken uncle. Mission: Rescue a town's kidnapped population from the depths of hell. Will they succeed?    P.S. Please don't take this seriously.


**Crunch Berry Bloom**

EPISODE 1: KNEE DEEP IN THE DEAD

What is a man? A tough question to answer, for sure. Is he the bearded captain of his own vessel? Is he the alcoholic uncle you never truly see until conflict is abroad? Is he the war hero against lost souls belonging in hell? Perhaps, just maybe, he is the quiet one, who never speaks his mind, even if prompted to. The lesser question would more than likely be "What is a pony?". The answer to that will be resting, unknown, in the backs of psychologists' heads for many a decade. Not that it is important, really, and certainly the inner workings of the hedgehog mind are also simply not very useful. But what if it could help a very unique, rare case of friendship? One that very few people will ever experience. Could it?

In the lone town that is Ponyville, a young filly by the name of Apple Bloom was trying to find her friends, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. It didn't take very long for her to realize not only were they missing, but so was the entire town. She ran home to her sister and brother, Apple Jack and Big Macintosh, respectively. "They'll know for sure what's goin' on", she uttered to herself. Once she returned to her home, they too were suddenly gone, even though they were there not even 3 minutes before. Something bizarre was happening before poor Apple Bloom's very eyes, and she had no idea what. A very strange case, indeed.

Not too far from Ponyville was the mystical town of Canterlot, which was the where the ruler of Equestria, Princess Celestia, was. She had summoned the great and mighty Captain, Lord Crunch, to her castle for royal duties or some such. As he approached his majesty, Lord Crunch bowed before her and they had begun discussing the subject of his arrival. "I understand, Captain Crunch, that you have a powerful vessel capable of many things, am I correct?", asked the Princess. "Why, uh, you would be right. Do you, uh, need the many uses it has?", replied Lord Crunch. "Yes actually", answered Celestia. To which Lord Crunch questioned with "Hmm... eh why would you need it? It has many powers, but I must know what of which you'd be uh needing- you'd be needing it for". "If you must know, my entire country is in danger of being overrun by an vile, cruel scientist who is unleashing a true evil into our world", the Princess said. Curious, Lord Crunch asked what the true evil was. So, the Princess told him about the mystical "gateway" and what creatures it had released.

"The power of the gateway is something much greater than I have ever seen before me, even the most powerful of unicorns, like my student Twilight, do not compare. You see, the gateway, as you can tell already, Mr. Crunch, is very much a portal to a different world. One of fires and brimstone, one that I am unable to identify. Your ship, of which you dubbed the "Crunchatizer", may be what we need to close the portal once and for all, and demolish the horrors it has already given to the town of Ponyville, not too far from here. I'm afraid what one of the portal's soldiers had called an "Imp" had taken almost everyone who took residence in Ponyville through the portal, presumably to transform them in to beasts like themselves, but I can't be sure. This is why I need your help, Lord Crunch, and why you must help stop this terrorism once and for all. Unfortunately, I myself cannot help as upon trying to stop one of the Imp creatures, it had infected my horn with it's strange mucus, rendering it useless. I'm terribly sorry."

"Wow, that was uh pretty long there, Princess. But if you cannot help me, who can? The Crunchatizer needs at least two people on board, one to maneuver the ship, and someone else to control it's weaponry and such. It's too much for myself alone", added Lord Crunch after the long explanation. Princess Celestia added, "Oh dear, I'm afraid most of Ponyville is, how do you say, down for the count. I don't think anyone in Canterlot can help you, they're probably too busy cowering in fear due to the Ponyville incident. It would be too dangerous to contact Cloudsdale for assistance, so I think we are unfortunately out of options". Just at that moment, as if to give a sign to Lord Crunch and Celestia, a light shined from the window. Sadly, the light didn't really clue either in on anything at all. Afterward, the Princess decided to scout the ghost town of Ponyville for survivors, while Captain Crunch prepared to sail off, apparently going it solo. "Lord Crunch, are you sure about this?", asked Celestia. "Well, uh, I don't think anyone can help me out, you- you know?", replied the Captain.

Just then, as the Captain was prepping the Crunchatizer, the guards had returned with Apple Bloom, the sole survivor of the Ponyville Apocalypse. "What about her? She is the uh only one left, right? I can let her control the ship's functionality so I uh can pilot it. Perfect team, yes?", Lord Crunch said as he saw Apple Bloom walk into the backyard, where the ship was, for some odd reason. "She's just a small filly, Captain, don't be so inane!", the Princess protested. "Oh please, Trollestia", quipped Lord Crunch. Celestia scoffed, and agreed to let Apple Bloom go with him, but should she be injured or lost, he would be "sent to the moon". "Wait, what am I gonna do?", asked Apple Bloom. "You are uh gonna help me, Lord Crunch, defeat evil demonic creatures from some bizarre gateway uh located in your hometown or some such.", answered the Captain. Apple Bloom asked a second question, "Will we find Apple Jack and Big Macintosh?". "You should", answered Princess Celestia. "Wait, you don't look like a pony at all, Mr. Crunch! What are you?" asked Apple Bloom. "You'll find out who and what I uh am when you're older. For now, follow me to the deck. We have things to do." followed Lord Crunch. So, Apple Bloom and the Captain headed off to the Crunchatizer to go through the gateway and rescue Ponyville's missing population.

Meanwhile, in a nearby fortress in the outskirts of the land, a very obese scientist was instructing his new found minions on what to do should Celestia find help to stop his plans. "LISTEN UP, MY SOLDIERS MINIONS", screamed the scientist. "WE HAVE A MISSION, AND IT IS TO RETRIEVE THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY AND DETHRONE THE PRINCESS!", he continued. "But, sir, we don't exactly know if the princess has anyone to stop us, yet. For all you know, this could be rather easy.", claimed one of the "Soldier Minions". "Aww, how intelligent of you! But did I ask you? _NO._", yelled the scientist. "We must keep our guards up at all times, understand?". "I think so", said a different minion, "But the elements, they can't be enough for your takeover, could they?". "Hmph, you are very wise, aren't you? Well, you couldn't be more right, for you see, I must combine the powers of the elements with my _own _jewels.", replied the scientist. "What would they be?", asked one of them. The scientist replied, "Well, let's just say they are a little _chaotic, _hehehe..."

As Captain Crunch and Apple Bloom entered the gateway to the other world, it slowly closed off behind them. "That can't be good", worried Apple Bloom. Once they had landed the ship, the Captain had noticed where they truly were. "Hey, uh, this here isn't no other world, well, it kinda is but it kinda isn't not", remarked the Captain, confusingly tripping over his own verbal tic. "Well, where are we then?", asked Apple Bloom. The Captain then only uttered one word, "_Hell_". "It sounds scary, Captain", said Apple Bloom. "Oh, that's because uh, it is. You see, ahem, Hell is a deep, dark, foul smelling prison of the damned. Filled with fire and brimstone, lost souls and demons.", explained Lord Crunch. Apple Bloom then asked, "How do you escape?". The Captain continued, "You _blast the nasty pink demon right between their beady little eyes_". As Lord Crunch rummaged through his chest marked "TO KILL", he tossed a pistol to Apple Bloom and said, "Use this. It will, uh, help you against those demons". "Will do, Captain!", Apple Bloom said gleefully. Just as the two left the ship to find the captives, a pack of Imps ambushed them and prepared to hurl fireballs at the young filly and her bearded friend. This was the initiative that got Lord Crunch to get his shotgun out and step in front of the young filly, then said, "Get, uh, behind me, Dreamcast". "Dreamcast? Are you talking to me, Mr. Crunch?", asks Apple Bloom. "Yes, uh, you just look like a Dreamcast, that's all. Now get behind me, I, uh gotta kill these motherfuckers." "Err... whatever", Apple Bloom remarked.

Just as the Captain was finished talking, he, true to his words, blasted the nasty demons between their beady little eyes. Once he was finished, a Cacodemon approached Apple Bloom from behind an opened door and yelled a horrible, ear drum busting sound from it's slimy mouth. "More? Uh, alright. If I have to, I will". But then, just as he prepares to fire, the Captain noticed he was out of ammo, but he couldn't go and get more and risk Apple Bloom's life. At that moment, however, a young fellow, clad with a beer mug in one hand and a chain gun in the other, fired at the Cacodemon several times, which killed it. "Wow, uh, you got the moves, sir. Gotta hand it to you, would never won that battle. Thanks, uh, Tom Hanks?", Lord Crunch said confusingly. The man, half drunk, turned to the Captain and speaks, "Actually, no, my name isn't Tom Hanks."

"It's Uncle Ned."


End file.
